Cork’s 3.0 Final Pre-Draft SuperMock w/Cheese 2009

All that Genius unleashed on CorkMock 1.0 & 2.0 has gone by the wayside because of the selfish needs of two NFL Teams, drug rumors, and the new Sandra Bullock movie (I'm not kidding!--see pick #13). So for Mockmeisters like me, it’s back to the drawing board.

Updated: April 16 2009

1. Detroit: Matthew Stafford QB Georgia Detroit can’t find a dance partner to trade down, so unless they get lost on the way to the podium, it’s Stafford at #1.

2. St. Louis: Jason Smith OT Baylor: Everybody and his Uncle Sally predicts St. Louis takes a Smith here. It’ll be Jason Smith, Andre Smith or “Smitty” Monroe.

3. Kansas City: Aaron Curry LB Wake Forest The best linebacker out there, says everyone. Built like a brick Shiite House. (Note to self, proof carefully.)

4. Seattle: Eugene Monroe OT Virginia: Seattle picked up Cincy receiver T.J. Houshmanchittychittybangbang, and can draft another WR later. But they saw how bad they are without a healthy Hasselbeck, and hope to keep him upright long enough to pass.

5. Cleveland: Michael Crabtree WR Texas Tech: They will consider Brandon Pettigrew to replace Winslow, but it’s too high for that TE. Instead they opt for a wideout to replace Donte Stallworth.

6. Cincinnati: Brian Orakpo DE Texas First guy to greet him is the artist formerly known as Chad Johnson, who suggests the new Bengal change his name to Brian Hasta La Vista.

7. Oakland: Darrius Heyward-Bey WR Maryland Someone smarter than me noted that Al Davis truly loves speed, and this guy has funny car speed. Don’t be shocked, tho, if Al gets confused and drafts Cincinnati Center Hasheem Thabeet.

8. Jacksonville: Malcolm Jenkins CB The OSU Total shot in the dark on my behalf. But I let him fall too far in CorkMock 1.0 so now he’s probably too high. Evens out, right?

9. Green Bay: B.J. Raji DT Boston College Internet rumors don’t hurt his value--besides all the weed in Northern Wisconsin was nipped in the bud during last year’s July freeze. But if he wacky-weeded at Indy, he falls.

10.San Francisco: Mark Sanchez QB USC It never ceases to amaze me how alleged experts ignore a guy’s entire season then get enchanted with his home field one-day workout. Oh, he was good during the season, too? Never mind.

11. Buffalo: Andre Smith OT Alabama Again I’m just stalling until the Redskins pick. I’ve changed it, by the way, because Vinny and Snyder are full of surprises. They might pick a punter in the first round, like Al Davis once did. Manwhile the crowd at the ‘skins FedEx Field draft party is getting surly.

12. Denver: Robert Ayers DE Tennessee They swore they were going to keep Cutler. They lied. Now they must fix their porous D. Another workout warrior, but mebbe the real deal.

13. Washington: Michael Oher TO, Old Miss This is a definite reach here, but keep in mind Danny is as successful a marketeer as he is unsuccessful at building a football team. So I’m back to my original prediction, but for different reasons. Danny wants to be a Playuh in Hollywood, and what better way to make a splash than to draft the subject of a blockbuster movie. Oher was the subject of the bestseller “The Blind Side.” Thought to have no chance to be made as a movie, it recently got greenlit for the Silver Screen starring a 6’8” 360 pound unknown actor as Oher, and also Sandra Bullock and Billy Ray Cyrus. Sign Oher and Danny will sell a ton of jerseys and can have the movie premiere at FedEx. One can only hope he comes to his senses and can find a partner with which to trade down.

14. New Orleans: Brian Cushing LB USC: Because I don’t want the Trojan Marching band on my front lawn playing their annoying fight song and Pete Carroll whining at me for not picking a USC linebacker higher. Oh, nasty, unsubstantiated rumors have floated that Cushing and Mathews are on the Juice. If so, they free fall.

15. Houston: Rey Maualuga LB USC: You know that USC drum major has some pretty good moves, too, so there’s a chance either Snyder or Al Davis will be tempted to take him. Just not this high.

16. San Diego: Tyson Jackson DE LSU This guy’s a prototype 3-4 defensive end who’ll replace Igor Olshansky to the relief of announcers who kept botching his name.

17. New York Jets: Josh Freeman QB Kan St Right about now Brett Favre is on his tractor looking at acres of Alfalfa and realizing getting squooshed by Minnesota’s Williams Boys isn’t such a bad life after all. So watch this space.

18. Denver: Everette Brown DE FSU Okay kids, Cutler isn’t there to get you 30 points a game, and Kyle Orton will be lucky to get you ten, so keep sorta oughta kinda trying to find ways to stop the other team from scoring.

19. Tampa Bay: Peria Jerry DT Old Miss Good defensive pick with lotsa upside.

20. Detroit (from Dallas) Michael Johnson DE Ga Tech Every year the scouts fall in Man-Love with some career underachiever because of his athleticism and numbers at the combine. This is your 2009 Poster Child.

21. Philadelphia: Brandon Pettigrew TE Oklahoma St Philly replaces departed TE Smith with a bigger, faster version. Philly fans at draft HQ amuse selves gang-booing then beating up guy dressed as Santa Claus.

22. Minnesota: Hakeem Nicks WR NC State: Vikes are so thrilled with this pick they sign Jeff George as emergency QB and backup coach-killer.

23. New England: Knowshon Moreno RB Georgia Oh come on, this guy is still there when the Pats pick? They drive to the Podium in a convict-driven snowplow just to rub it in.

24. Atlanta: Aaron Maybin DE The Penn State University Falcons are delighted to see that the Nittany Lion edge rusher is there to be plucked like a ripe Pennsylvania Peach.

25. Miami: Vontae Davis CB Illinois Few people turn a franchise around better than Bill Parcels. He looks forward to informing this troubled but brilliant CB how things are done in Tunaville.

26. Baltimore: James Laurenitis LB Ohio State: Mr. Laurenitis, your mentor will be a Mr. Lewis. Try not to make him angry by messing up.

27. Indianapolis: Jeremy Maclin WR Missouri Number 18 in your Colt Program says pick this guy, who just became a favorite to become offensive Rookie of the Year.

28. Philadelphia (from Carolina): Beanie Wells RB Ohio State Their backs are aging and he’s elusive and big. You know, like the Lombardi Trophy.

29. New York Football Giants: Kenny Britt WR Rutgers: Plaxico Burress once rode in limos, now he may be catching a cab to Sing-Sing.

30. Tennessee: Brian Robiskie WR The OSU For those who wondered if Tennessee would ever take a first round WR, finally an answer.

31. Arizona: LeSean McCoy Pittsburgh: I’ve actually seen this guy play in person. He’s real good.

32. Pittsburgh: Alex Mack C California Wait a minute, the Steelers won the Super Bowl last year despite offensive line problems? Time to reload.

“Bubbling under the Top 32” tiebreaker candidates.

D. J. Moore DB Vanderbilt

Larry English DE Northern Ill

Eben Britton OT Arizona

William Beatty OT Connecticut

Darius Butler CB Connecticut

Clay Mathews LB USC

Alphonso Smith CB Wake Forrest

Percy Harvin WR Florida

Clint Sintim LB Va.

Ziggy Hood DT Missouri

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